Songs Will Always Make Me Think of You

It all stems down to this: I thought it would never happen to me.

At the time, I thought you chose me out of a crowd, and for certain it was meant to be. In fact,you made all of the first moves. I was content in my universe, piecing myself back together months after a bad breakup. Although I didn’t tell you, maybe you  were able to smell my loneliness and need for attention. You preyed on me.

I’m a nice person, a trait that is very important to me. I also believe in karma. And since I hadn’t done wrong by anyone, you were my good fortune from the universe, right?

Wrong.

I have never felt so used in my life. I have never given myself up so easily, or given so much of myself to anyone. I gave my mind, my heart, my body, and my dignity over. The chemistry of our connection so unbelievable to me, so natural. You had to have felt it too, it was stronger than anything I’d ever felt. You made me feel so human, I’d put myself through misery to be with you.

This year will make 3 that I’ve been caught in your web. After biting and struggling myself free countless times, I voluntarily got myself entangled again. Next month will make the fourth week that I’ve been free, for good this time, off balance, but still free.

I haven’t seen you since December 29th, 2011. Ever since that conversation on January 26th, 2012, I have not heard from you. In your mind, I could be pregnant, miserable, or regaining my happiness in other ways and through other relationships, even though you no longer want to be connected. I realize that there are days when I will always think of youespecially when I want you beside me to physically love me with that chemistry that brought me to life, the feeling that days I swear I can’t live without.

I’ll think of you on your birthday, and wonder if you remember mine. I’ll wonder if you ever think of me, and ever feel shameful, horrible, and apologetic inside. I wonder if you’re okay, are you still dabbling in drugs to ease your pain in the way I was never successfuly able to? Did you ever finish your engineering degree?Will you ever reach out to me ever again, or is this it? Did you prey upon someone else, find true love, or do you even miss me? Were you just here to teach me a powerful lesson?

Over It

So.

      Last week I saw #1 Brazilian quite a few times, and, our connection didn’t feel as comfortable as it used to. Maybe I’m paranoid, but the way he was acting gave me the impression that he read the post about him, as though he was waiting for me to say something extravagant. I would have, but, I didn’t have the words.

     That vibe is gone, it has fizzled out. I don’t feel the need to physically touch him (ie. be connected through a hug), because I feel a distance, like he’s trying to repel me while being polite and friendly at the same time. It’s not a natural feeling anymore.

     Makes me wonder if I was just imagining things years ago. Either that, or time and our life experiences caused us to drift apart, and neither of us care enough to put a genuine effort to becoming close again.

     And I’m cool with it. I’ve finally had a reality check regarding heartbreaker, and I’m focused on what are the aspects of an unhealthy relationship so that I never get caught in one again. I’m in a learning phase where I gain love in other ways, and discovering other interests that I enjoy thinking about and putting time towards. It’s all good 🙂

I Thought Wrong

You never said you loved me
Although I was there for you since day 1
I knew I wanted to be with you
Waited for you
Sacrificed my spirit for you
After all I did, you owe me your heart

Disappearing for 5 months
Coming back claiming depression made you lose your mind
Making me worry for you, crying for you, reaching out to you
Asking why day in day out
Thinking you died

You were never honest
Trust me hun, if I want the truth, I’m going to get it out of you
I ain’t no action figure, don’t play with my mind
Don’t twist me around like you run sh*t
Thinking and acting like you’re God

Your substance is non-existent
Painted you out as heartless
Thinking that I could turn things around with my love and make you want to try
Try to give back for all I gave you
Just because I loved you

Desperate to keep you around
Fibbing about a life in me
Liar #1, it wasn’t true
Guess what, I got you
And you disappeared once again, just like in 2011

Thank God I never got permeated with your seed
Learned a life lesson to protect myself and the potential of what could be
What was it really that you could provide me with?
And to think, I really wanted to be with you
Trust me hun, you were lucky to ever have me.