New Outlook on Romantic Relationships

Relationships are dynamic, and I keep learning this.

In my head I used to think that as long as I meet and stick with a core group of individuals, in a static fashion, everything would be smooth sailing. In that sense I figured that once someone is part of my core group, they will always be part of my core group, and the magnitude of my feelings towards them wouldn’t change (and if they did, it would obviously be positive because there’s no such thing as beef in my core group).

However, now I understand why I’ve been told that timing is a huge factor in relationships and all of life. I think back to my first few years in university and realize how my relationships have transformed: Remembering #1 Brazilian and how I was so certain that the universe was telling us to get together; connecting with potential hubby and during those moments being absolutely sure that in the short time we dated (though it felt like much longer), I could see myself with him forever; also not forgetting heartbreaker and our undeniable chemistry, thinking he was my redeemer after what felt like hell.

Now I no longer believe in the concept of having one soulmate, or “the one”. In high school people kept telling me that in university, my single days would end because of the “type” of person I am – intelligent, studious, kindhearted. Many even suggested that I’ll find my future husband by the time I graduate (scary!)! They were correct on the former as  I was lucky to have had experienced love at certain points. But during those relationships, and after they ended, my mentality shifted.

In regards to timing, in retrospect these guys entered my life at optimal times because I feel I have, for the most part, “bounced back,” and have reached a level of receptivity where I can really look at all aspects of my relationships in a different way as opposed to being resentful and blameful.

A situation recently happened in my life which has inspired me to write this. I re-connected with a good friend of mine from at least a decade ago, we will refer to him as manly beast. A bit of our history is that I used to annoy him when we were younger, as I had a MASSIVE crush on him and was persistent in obtaining his attention – trying to get him to open up and talk to me in his own way (ie. making fun of me). Then we went to different high schools, lost touch, but re-connected through msn (does anyone still use that? I sure don’t anymore). Manly beast was actually my first kiss, but I don’t know how we lost touch again. Then, we re-connected through facebook, had a few on/off conversations, and then saw each other again this year. It was nice to be in his company again, I didn’t feel like that much time had passed.

Anyways, that got me thinking about how people enter our lives, leave our lives, and re-enter our lives. We never completely know what’s in store. So what I took from this experience is that each relationship is different, yet resemble one another in certain elements. When dating potential hubby, I felt strongly for the time being, then that faded, especially after heartbreaker entered my life. The feelings for heartbreaker still linger, but they are fading, and seeing manly beast definitely fast-forwarded the healing time on that one! (The last time I had seen manly beast was about 6-7 years ago, but after spending 10 minutes with him, the feelings of the massive crush returned quickly, I couldn’t even stop smiling!)

All of my relationships are similar in that I’ve had strong feelings for each of these individuals, the timing just differed, along with the magnitude of attraction. This is what has caused me to believe that having one soulmate is unrealistic and close-minded, and other factors, such as time, play a major role in the potential of what will happen next.

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Where Did My Heartbreaker Go?

I don’t never want another girl to come and get that
Can you tell me where did he go?
My train of thought is gone and now you’re running on the same track

I’m a mess right now.
Out of order, I’m torn up I’m going down,
Won’t you hold me together I’m pouring out.
I need you, that’s how I feel.

I refuse to believe
You do
Not think of me
Like I do you
If I’m right then
Show me,
Come through,
I’ve been needing you lately.

Stressin’ got the best of me I really need to fall back

Today I was listening to this song by Keri Hilson and it made me wonder where my heartbreaker went. Almost 3 months since we’ve talked, and 4 months since we’ve met in person. I thought I was doing well.

But then I decided one night to read through my volumes of diaries (yes, I keep a diary!), to remember the days I wish I could re-live, and trace what actions on my end led to everything turning sour and complicated. I can’t believe that there are so many things I’ve forgotten that were so fresh at the time. It seems that all I can remember these days is how much I miss him, and the promising beginnings.

Funny how I forgot about the times he ditched me; instead I remember those late nights, staying up ’til 6am, talking about life and humble origins of a future together. Odd how I didn’t remember the suspicious facebook conversations and behaviours, along with him lowering the volume on his cell phone whenever a girl would call when we were together; however I remember the distance he’d go to see me, as long as it was late at night and he got something out of it. Yet, I refuse to remember how he refused to discuss the future in more concrete terms, not wanting exclusivity; but I continue to think about how cute our kids would be.

Must I repeat it’s been over 4 months since I’ve seen him. So why is it that those lyrics that I’ve bolded from Keri Hilson’s song perfectly encapsulate the language of what I am feeling now, and once every while…more frequently these days?

I will accept that heartbreaker has had a HUGE impact in my life, but why is that not enough? I don’t want to think of him anymore. I have so many wonderful things going on in my life, so I can’t understand why I still want to be with him. My life continues to fall into place, but maybe I’m missing the instability and confusion he brought to my life? The sense of hope and wonder of if he would text me back or disappear for good…like he just did. Will he come back?

In an effort to calm my mind and instead see heartbreaker as the bad guy who’s missing out, I came across a forum with someone experiencing a related situation, and I’m sure we’re feeling similar dread and disappointment within ourselves.

So I pondered…realistically, I am probably driving myself nuts because I am not the one in control of this situation. Heartbreaker told me he will never leave my life, he has unconditional love for me. And I believed him because even through the arguments and insecurities, days later, or months later he’d come back. But, my intuition is telling me he’s not going to return this time.

I seek attention because I miss his affection. I become jealous because he can chase any girl aside from me, or in addition to me. I feel stupid because I fell for it, I fell for him. I feel ungrateful because I don’t want anyone else, when so many have faith that I deserve better and will find such.