Where Did My Heartbreaker Go?

I don’t never want another girl to come and get that
Can you tell me where did he go?
My train of thought is gone and now you’re running on the same track

I’m a mess right now.
Out of order, I’m torn up I’m going down,
Won’t you hold me together I’m pouring out.
I need you, that’s how I feel.

I refuse to believe
You do
Not think of me
Like I do you
If I’m right then
Show me,
Come through,
I’ve been needing you lately.

Stressin’ got the best of me I really need to fall back

Today I was listening to this song by Keri Hilson and it made me wonder where my heartbreaker went. Almost 3 months since we’ve talked, and 4 months since we’ve met in person. I thought I was doing well.

But then I decided one night to read through my volumes of diaries (yes, I keep a diary!), to remember the days I wish I could re-live, and trace what actions on my end led to everything turning sour and complicated. I can’t believe that there are so many things I’ve forgotten that were so fresh at the time. It seems that all I can remember these days is how much I miss him, and the promising beginnings.

Funny how I forgot about the times he ditched me; instead I remember those late nights, staying up ’til 6am, talking about life and humble origins of a future together. Odd how I didn’t remember the suspicious facebook conversations and behaviours, along with him lowering the volume on his cell phone whenever a girl would call when we were together; however I remember the distance he’d go to see me, as long as it was late at night and he got something out of it. Yet, I refuse to remember how he refused to discuss the future in more concrete terms, not wanting exclusivity; but I continue to think about how cute our kids would be.

Must I repeat it’s been over 4 months since I’ve seen him. So why is it that those lyrics that I’ve bolded from Keri Hilson’s song perfectly encapsulate the language of what I am feeling now, and once every while…more frequently these days?

I will accept that heartbreaker has had a HUGE impact in my life, but why is that not enough? I don’t want to think of him anymore. I have so many wonderful things going on in my life, so I can’t understand why I still want to be with him. My life continues to fall into place, but maybe I’m missing the instability and confusion he brought to my life? The sense of hope and wonder of if he would text me back or disappear for good…like he just did. Will he come back?

In an effort to calm my mind and instead see heartbreaker as the bad guy who’s missing out, I came across a forum with someone experiencing a related situation, and I’m sure we’re feeling similar dread and disappointment within ourselves.

So I pondered…realistically, I am probably driving myself nuts because I am not the one in control of this situation. Heartbreaker told me he will never leave my life, he has unconditional love for me. And I believed him because even through the arguments and insecurities, days later, or months later he’d come back. But, my intuition is telling me he’s not going to return this time.

I seek attention because I miss his affection. I become jealous because he can chase any girl aside from me, or in addition to me. I feel stupid because I fell for it, I fell for him. I feel ungrateful because I don’t want anyone else, when so many have faith that I deserve better and will find such.

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