I’m Really Glad We Had Those Times

Source: http://gauraw.com
Finally feeling like a butterly emerging from its cocoon regarding heartbreaker

After not hearing from heartbreaker for over 7 months, I received an email from him.

I’m not sure of what to think, or feel.

For months I continually reached out to him to try to attain consolation that he didn’t leave my life for good. And just when I was honestly becoming okay as I prepare for my next phase of life without him, he emails me.

I’ve allowed myself delve into pass memories with a positive rememberance, but not so far deep that I feel the need to do anything to recreate them.

Big Carrot:

Early in our relationship, back when I didn’t know anything about red flags, heartbreaker had drunk called me at 2am. He asked me to spend the day with him because he wasn’t feeling well. We had been seeing each other for a few months at that time, so I was elated to be his nurse.

He left his key outside his door so I could let myself in. I came early that morning, brought him breakfast. We walked to Greektown and spent some time at the Big Carrot, looking at healthy body products and foods. Then he bought us this awesome lunch – healthy and delicious!

That night we cooked salmon, and I had my first ever glass of wine. I remember he had said that when we become established in our fields and attend fancy events, we’ll need to know the true way of drinking wine. Well, whatever he said was along those lines.

That was the day I actually started thinking I wanted to be with him forever (…yes, I was so naive still).

Nights spent awake together:

I’ve always been a night owl, and for those 3 years with heartbreaker, I’ve probably aged to 3x my actual age. A lot of sleep was lost when I was with him, or when I was up trying to reach him, or just stressing over him.

Yet, I would not trade my memories of the nights we spent awake together as that time invested was peak time for amazing conversations. We talked about everything imaginable, and really opened up to each other. That is what I miss the most about him.

There are many other memories accumulated over that time, but I feel guilty that my last post was so so long, so I`ll spare all those details. In summary, I’m really fond of those memories and glad that I experienced them. The feelings I endure when I reflect urge me to invest my time and attention in that way to others in my life who likely will not leave my side.

I do miss heartbreaker – I miss those awesome times together, and as they are so vivid now, years later, they will continue to be part of me. Although this is going to sound tragic, it’s something I’ve thought for a long time before I received an email from heartbreaker: it would’ve been easier for me to forge closure by imagining that he had passed away, and in his honour, I’d remember the best times and what he taught me.

When I met heartbreaker, I was lost in the sense that I didn’t know myself very well, nor how to protect myself, nor how I deserved to be treated. During the time he was in my life, I was desperate for his attention and his approval. He held a lot of power over me – I gave that power to him, and I didn’t even know how.

I always wanted to look nice for him, have my hair done for him, work out and be healthy for him. Everything was for him! I wanted to accomplish things so he’d be impressed with me, so I could inspire him and so he’d want to be with me and only me. Now I’m interested in improving myself for me, not him.

I’m still not sure of how to feel upon receiving heartbreaker’s email. It basically stated he went home, and he thought he told me prior to leaving (which he did not…he just disappeared). He’s sorry for the emotional panic he has put me through, and he hopes to catch up sometime. For once I may’ve regained my power when I thought I had lost it forever. For once I am genuinely interested in improving myself for me, not heartbreaker.

After close to 8 months, it’s really going to take more than a 3 paragraph, basic, undetailed email for me to step closer to the enemy – because despite our good memories, what he has done has led him to become my enemy. For the first time since this spiderweb became interwoven, I am not masochistic enough to get trapped without it being worthwhile. I’m not going to pressure myself to reply to him, as he doesn’t know the half of it.

Retiring From Fitness

Source:  http://pirate32.edublogs.org/files/2012/05/goodbye-1srtm3y.gi

This summer I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting about my teaching and fitness interests. I’ve had days where I would be incredibly inspired and grateful for the teaching opportunities I’ve had thus far with an appreciation for what I’ve begun to build. Other times I’d question if I really want to do this. As of late, my disinterest in teaching has outweighed my interest in teaching and becoming a better instructor. There are many reasons for thais, and things which have opened my eyes:

Source:  http://www.etsy.com/listing/93970453/printable-
wall-art-kick-ass-take-names-i 

Bootcamp:

I’m teaching bootcamp twice-weekly my current job. My first class was taught in February; I had my own teaching style and choices of exercises, but felt the participants weren’t enjoying it. A few weeks ago, one of my co -workers was awesome and stayed after her shift to give me lots of advice in terms of class structure ideas and exercise choices. I was rejuvenated again, and the participants commented on how much they loved the class – I was so satifisfied inside! However, after 2 weeks, my stress and anxiousness before each class returned. I then realized I was doing the class completely for them – to gain their approval, not because I love doing it.

I felt inadequate because the other staff I work with, who used to teach the classes, whom of which the participants are used to, are kinesiologists.  I feel that my even though I have multiple certifications (Group Fitness instructor, Personal Trainer, Nutrition Wellness, Zumba, Yoga), I get nervous when people ask me questions. Do I embody this knowledge? No. Is this knowledge an intrinsic part of me? No.

Source:  http://jennthrift.blogspot.ca/2012/05/insanity.html 

Insanity:

In May, a few co-workers kept discussing the benefits of the Insanity program. I was so caught up in the hype that I purchased it. After attempting 4 times to get through the first week, I gave up. Even though I was inspired from all of the before pictures I took and the possibilities of who I’d emerge as in 60 days, I still gave up.

The program was tough, and painful, so I justified my quitting by rationalizing the program as being too intense, as I enjoy exercise that isn’t torturous.If I really want to lose weight and tone up, I’ll do it in a way I enjoy even if it takes longer than 60 days. (It also didn’t hurt that a personal trainer I look up to mentioned that it’s not a program for the general public, and he almost threw up while progressing through the program).

Yet, my brother started Insanity after I had given up, and he finished his last day yesterday! There were times he would be really exhausted, but after an hour of making excuses, would trooper on through. Even though I worried that he wasn’t taking his exhaustion seriously enough, I was so proud of him. My brother caused me to reflect upon myself to ask why did I spend all of that money and not follow through?

Source:  http://www.dogcentral.info/yoga-dogs/

Yoga:

As of this post, I’ve been in email contact with YMCA to find out the process of teaching at their facilities. I would need to complete 6 weeks of training to learn about the YMCA’s philosophy, a police reference check, and an interview to possibly substitute. Have been trying begin this process, but doing so legitimately overlaps with my shifts at work (and saving for school is my #1 priority at the moment). With that, my motivation is wearing…I don’t even know if I want to complete those 8 hours anymore – or at least during what is remaining of this summer.

Originally, this summer would’ve been the best time, but I am still not ready. I’m kind of laughing at myself because I haven’t even finished reading the instructor’s manual, nor have I watched the DVD received at the training.

Fitness goals:

Although I didn’t post them here, in June I had a goal of losing 10 lbs by the last week of August (giving myself room to do it in a healthy way, and leaving room to still accomplish my goal if I slipped up). My main motivator was a nutritionist I’ve had since January – she is awesome, passionate, and lives what she teaches. I had 10 weekly sessions with her, and had more downs than ups. I continually made excuses for falling off the wagon – school was stressful, work was stressful, my life was stressful. The stress was responsible for my poor meal planning, poor sleeping schedule. Between January and April, even though I was exercising, I gained weight (and trust me, it was not muscle).

I saved my last session with her for August, as I want to prove to her that I do have willpower and discipline – I want her to be proud of me. Yet, between  May and August, I can only recall 4 steady weeks of consistent workouts and healthy eating. I shall prepare to get scrutinized at my appointment this week…

A sign?

The final situation which propelled me in my decision to take a hiatus from teaching is that the facility I have taught at since 2010 posted the fall schedule without asking about my availability. I substituted a few times during the summer, and each time my supervisor mentioned her excitement for me to return in the fall. I also expressed, each time, that I really do enjoy teaching my regularly scheduled class. Yet, without taking a moment to ask me, my supervisor assumed I would like to stay as a substitute instructor due to the program I will be starting in September.

I thought I was upset because it was rude to assume (you don’t want to make an ass out of u and me!), and not clear up the assumption by sending an email, like was sent to all of the other instructors. But maybe the honest reason I was upset was because it felt like even though I enjoyed teaching my class, she was just playing along and knew my real intentions. It’s a blessing in disguise and I feel lighter when I think of the situation from that angle.

Consolation from other fitness instructors:

The fitness instructors at my gym are awesome because they are so personable. I’ve spoken to several of them and asked them about how they knew they wanted to pursue a fitness careers. They teach multiple classes a day, and left other careers such as nursing and real estate. Some even use this as a side job and teach a couple classes a week (which was my original intention when I became an instructor).

I found (and more times than I’d like to admit, find) classes to be stressful. Before every class I teach, I get nervous, and really only wanted validation from participants. I don’t derive much self-pleasure from teaching – I might be desperate for compliments.

This is not a career for me. Looking back I wish I looked more into the time and financial commitments of being an instructor. Before becoming certified, I didn’t educate myself about the annual fees or continuing education requirements – I just thought to myself, I’m passionate about fitness and want to help others be the same. Never did I think I’d feel threatened in my classes, or feel pressured to look a certain way, or to teach a certain way. It’s gotten to the point where my passion for my own fitness is gone because I’m too worried about impressing everyone else.

While reflecting about two instructors who retired/stopped practicing real estate and nursing, I’ve chosen to stop practicing my fitness certifications for my own personal reasons. I plan to keep my certifications current by paying the membership fee and fulfilling my continuing education credits – and who knows, I may want to return to teaching later, or a dream opportunity may come up in the future.

For now, with the pressure to become a better fitness instructor turned off, I’d like to rediscover my passion for my personal fitness by focusing on myself.