New Outlook on Romantic Relationships

Relationships are dynamic, and I keep learning this.

In my head I used to think that as long as I meet and stick with a core group of individuals, in a static fashion, everything would be smooth sailing. In that sense I figured that once someone is part of my core group, they will always be part of my core group, and the magnitude of my feelings towards them wouldn’t change (and if they did, it would obviously be positive because there’s no such thing as beef in my core group).

However, now I understand why I’ve been told that timing is a huge factor in relationships and all of life. I think back to my first few years in university and realize how my relationships have transformed: Remembering #1 Brazilian and how I was so certain that the universe was telling us to get together; connecting with potential hubby and during those moments being absolutely sure that in the short time we dated (though it felt like much longer), I could see myself with him forever; also not forgetting heartbreaker and our undeniable chemistry, thinking he was my redeemer after what felt like hell.

Now I no longer believe in the concept of having one soulmate, or “the one”. In high school people kept telling me that in university, my single days would end because of the “type” of person I am – intelligent, studious, kindhearted. Many even suggested that I’ll find my future husband by the time I graduate (scary!)! They were correct on the former as  I was lucky to have had experienced love at certain points. But during those relationships, and after they ended, my mentality shifted.

In regards to timing, in retrospect these guys entered my life at optimal times because I feel I have, for the most part, “bounced back,” and have reached a level of receptivity where I can really look at all aspects of my relationships in a different way as opposed to being resentful and blameful.

A situation recently happened in my life which has inspired me to write this. I re-connected with a good friend of mine from at least a decade ago, we will refer to him as manly beast. A bit of our history is that I used to annoy him when we were younger, as I had a MASSIVE crush on him and was persistent in obtaining his attention – trying to get him to open up and talk to me in his own way (ie. making fun of me). Then we went to different high schools, lost touch, but re-connected through msn (does anyone still use that? I sure don’t anymore). Manly beast was actually my first kiss, but I don’t know how we lost touch again. Then, we re-connected through facebook, had a few on/off conversations, and then saw each other again this year. It was nice to be in his company again, I didn’t feel like that much time had passed.

Anyways, that got me thinking about how people enter our lives, leave our lives, and re-enter our lives. We never completely know what’s in store. So what I took from this experience is that each relationship is different, yet resemble one another in certain elements. When dating potential hubby, I felt strongly for the time being, then that faded, especially after heartbreaker entered my life. The feelings for heartbreaker still linger, but they are fading, and seeing manly beast definitely fast-forwarded the healing time on that one! (The last time I had seen manly beast was about 6-7 years ago, but after spending 10 minutes with him, the feelings of the massive crush returned quickly, I couldn’t even stop smiling!)

All of my relationships are similar in that I’ve had strong feelings for each of these individuals, the timing just differed, along with the magnitude of attraction. This is what has caused me to believe that having one soulmate is unrealistic and close-minded, and other factors, such as time, play a major role in the potential of what will happen next.

Over It

So.

      Last week I saw #1 Brazilian quite a few times, and, our connection didn’t feel as comfortable as it used to. Maybe I’m paranoid, but the way he was acting gave me the impression that he read the post about him, as though he was waiting for me to say something extravagant. I would have, but, I didn’t have the words.

     That vibe is gone, it has fizzled out. I don’t feel the need to physically touch him (ie. be connected through a hug), because I feel a distance, like he’s trying to repel me while being polite and friendly at the same time. It’s not a natural feeling anymore.

     Makes me wonder if I was just imagining things years ago. Either that, or time and our life experiences caused us to drift apart, and neither of us care enough to put a genuine effort to becoming close again.

     And I’m cool with it. I’ve finally had a reality check regarding heartbreaker, and I’m focused on what are the aspects of an unhealthy relationship so that I never get caught in one again. I’m in a learning phase where I gain love in other ways, and discovering other interests that I enjoy thinking about and putting time towards. It’s all good 🙂

You’re My #1

     I can’t sleep 😦 It’s weird that I was able to fall asleep effortlessly for the past week, but I slept in on Saturday and now I’m wide-awake. It’s 3:50am. Thing is, this isn’t new for me, I’ve habitually stayed up late since I was in the age of single-digits.

     Part of why I can’t sleep is because I feel like I have unfinished business. And today you’ll get to hear the story of “#1 Brazilian“.

     Our history dates back to September 2007 – Frosh! I was waiting for my bus to commute home on the first night of Frosh since my friend who was my ride decided she’d rather stay at the rez of some new friends she made. #1 Brazilian was at the bus stop as well. I don’t remember how we started talking, but it was easy and fun because of the openess Frosh creates, and novelty of the university experience we anticipated days ahead.

     We rode the bus home together, and I figured that would be the first and last time I’d see this friend of mine; I thought nothing of it.

     During the first week we had a philosophy class together, took the bus at the same time 3 mornings a week, AND, randomly rented lockers right beside each other. As you can probably guess, with time and increased positive interactions, #1 Brazilian grew on me in a big way – there wasn’t anything I didn’t admire about him. I remember we’d rub each other’s hands to keep each other warm as we’d wait for the bus; our knees would touch in philosophy class (and he would always save a spot for me); laughing at the silliest things, I always had a good time with him.

     The problem with me was that although I was in university, my mind was still in high school mode where I wanted everything to move quickly. I thought that if chemistry was present, one person should obviously ask the other person out, you date for 4 years, then you get married, have kids, have a joyful career and happily ever after. Although I didn’t tell him what was my philosophy at the time, I likely came on too strong through my actions.

     Second semester we didn’t have any classes together, and I hardly saw him while waiting for the bus – this forced me to cool down (even though I imagined a whole bunch of extravagant scenarios over the break where he’d ask me to be his girlfriend). #1 Brazilian found his niche, and group of friends who shared that niche.  We didn’t really even talk that much.

     To be honest, I was slightly resentful because I really thought we had a connection, I thought he could feel it. I was incredibly attracted to him in more ways than one.  I didn’t see him at all for 2 yrs, until last week, for a brief moment. Then all of the feelings came back.

     Last night I had a very intense dream, the details of which I cannot disclose 😉 I woke up wishing that dream was real life. And now I can’t stop thinking about him, the dream, and the good memories of first year.

     The knowledge that I’m graduating after this semester is liberating, but also carries some pressure. I’ll be meeting new people, learning new things, and encountering new experiences. Which empowers me to decide what I want to leave as the last impression on my current relationships – of particular relevance, the one with #1 Brazilian.

     I’ve decided that I’m going to tell him that I had a crush on him. Naw, that sounds too high school. I think instead I’ll say I had a strong attraction to him since first year, and over time it has intensified and deepened? I was trying to be sensual…that’s never been my strong suit though! Anyways, I’ll work on my script.

     Why is doing this so important to me? Because who knows, maybe he feels the same way. If not, I’m probably not going to bump into him as often afterwards, so I’ll only feel embarrassed for that moment.