Leap of Faith?

That's right!

That’s right!

As of now I should be studying for my first of two licensing exams (ie. NPLEX I). However, I’m incredibly distracted.

And guess what it’s over…a fellow…

Sometimes people just enter your life when you didn’t expect them to because you were looking in another direction.

I’ve been giving the online dating scene a try and have since decided to take a break, but immediately before making that decision, Mr.Cool and Confident reached out to me.

Part of why I’ve chosen to put online dating to rest, at least for now, is because all of the fellows I had interacted with were at least 1 of the below:

  • seem to vanish without a trace
  • can be irresponsive although their profiles are welcoming
  • may come on way too strong
  • choose to not follow through
  • may be sketchy in terms of not being completely truthful
  • are just pursuing a hook up

It reached the point where I didn’t take anyone seriously…why waste time when you already know what the options are going to lead to?

Mr.Cool and Confident surprised me as he was super engaging, funny, and comfortable with himself. Upon meeting in person, I knew I liked him instantly. He’s in a helping profession and we even studied the same program in undergrad. My protective shield went off though because I figured it was too good to be true, and thought I wouldn’t hear from him again. To my surprise, we’ve still been in touch.

May 19th was when my “on” switch was once again ignited. Back and forth messages everyday, being shy and not knowing what to say next, excitedly awaiting the next reply, conversations flowing.

What attracted me most, moreso than his cool and confident vibes was his helpful nature. You got a problem? Here’s a solution. He became someone I looked up to.

Most memorable was when I went on a trip to the Bahamas for a few days. Mr. Cool and Confident stayed up with me the entire night right up until my flight at about 6:15 am. At that point we’d been in contact less than a month, but I was already committed to him in my mind.

Fast-forward to now, it’s become kind of confusing and the connection between us is dying. In part due to distance, working schedules, and school. I’ve had about 3 moments where I questioned the direction of the relationship, made myself way too vulnerable, was too honest, and may’ve scared him away a bit. The communication has dwindled, and I feel like I want to just cut my losses and go so I don’t keep doubting, holding on, and involuntarily investing my emotions.

August may open up more time for us, but right now it feels like forever away. The way I see it is if you really feel connected with someone, you’ll want to nurture the buds and make time. I could be more understanding, but instead my past memories of heartbreaker invade my ability to think rationally…no more of that, please. Nobody wants to be a fool, and nobody wants to wait for something that’s never going to arrive.

So, I’m distracted because I’m scared to stay, what if I’m being led on (again) because they’re too cowardly to be honest and break it off? What a waste of time and emotion that would be. On the other hand, what if that connection is genuine and has the potential to flourish when we both have time to spend together and pick up where we left off?

It's a scary feeling to not be able to decide how to feel Source: http://drakequote.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/She-doesnt-ever-worry-if-she-wants-it-shell-get-it-on-her-own.-She-knows-theres-more-to-life-and-shes-scared-of-ending-up-alone..jpg

It can be scary to not be able to navigate how to feel

Times like this, I wish I could go into robot mode and shut off the emotions and just be focused on what matters most right now…NPLEX I. Let’s give it a try, onto the endocrine system…

 

I’m Really Glad We Had Those Times

Source: http://gauraw.com
Finally feeling like a butterly emerging from its cocoon regarding heartbreaker

After not hearing from heartbreaker for over 7 months, I received an email from him.

I’m not sure of what to think, or feel.

For months I continually reached out to him to try to attain consolation that he didn’t leave my life for good. And just when I was honestly becoming okay as I prepare for my next phase of life without him, he emails me.

I’ve allowed myself delve into pass memories with a positive rememberance, but not so far deep that I feel the need to do anything to recreate them.

Big Carrot:

Early in our relationship, back when I didn’t know anything about red flags, heartbreaker had drunk called me at 2am. He asked me to spend the day with him because he wasn’t feeling well. We had been seeing each other for a few months at that time, so I was elated to be his nurse.

He left his key outside his door so I could let myself in. I came early that morning, brought him breakfast. We walked to Greektown and spent some time at the Big Carrot, looking at healthy body products and foods. Then he bought us this awesome lunch – healthy and delicious!

That night we cooked salmon, and I had my first ever glass of wine. I remember he had said that when we become established in our fields and attend fancy events, we’ll need to know the true way of drinking wine. Well, whatever he said was along those lines.

That was the day I actually started thinking I wanted to be with him forever (…yes, I was so naive still).

Nights spent awake together:

I’ve always been a night owl, and for those 3 years with heartbreaker, I’ve probably aged to 3x my actual age. A lot of sleep was lost when I was with him, or when I was up trying to reach him, or just stressing over him.

Yet, I would not trade my memories of the nights we spent awake together as that time invested was peak time for amazing conversations. We talked about everything imaginable, and really opened up to each other. That is what I miss the most about him.

There are many other memories accumulated over that time, but I feel guilty that my last post was so so long, so I`ll spare all those details. In summary, I’m really fond of those memories and glad that I experienced them. The feelings I endure when I reflect urge me to invest my time and attention in that way to others in my life who likely will not leave my side.

I do miss heartbreaker – I miss those awesome times together, and as they are so vivid now, years later, they will continue to be part of me. Although this is going to sound tragic, it’s something I’ve thought for a long time before I received an email from heartbreaker: it would’ve been easier for me to forge closure by imagining that he had passed away, and in his honour, I’d remember the best times and what he taught me.

When I met heartbreaker, I was lost in the sense that I didn’t know myself very well, nor how to protect myself, nor how I deserved to be treated. During the time he was in my life, I was desperate for his attention and his approval. He held a lot of power over me – I gave that power to him, and I didn’t even know how.

I always wanted to look nice for him, have my hair done for him, work out and be healthy for him. Everything was for him! I wanted to accomplish things so he’d be impressed with me, so I could inspire him and so he’d want to be with me and only me. Now I’m interested in improving myself for me, not him.

I’m still not sure of how to feel upon receiving heartbreaker’s email. It basically stated he went home, and he thought he told me prior to leaving (which he did not…he just disappeared). He’s sorry for the emotional panic he has put me through, and he hopes to catch up sometime. For once I may’ve regained my power when I thought I had lost it forever. For once I am genuinely interested in improving myself for me, not heartbreaker.

After close to 8 months, it’s really going to take more than a 3 paragraph, basic, undetailed email for me to step closer to the enemy – because despite our good memories, what he has done has led him to become my enemy. For the first time since this spiderweb became interwoven, I am not masochistic enough to get trapped without it being worthwhile. I’m not going to pressure myself to reply to him, as he doesn’t know the half of it.

Fool Me Once-Shame on You; Fool Me Twice-I’m An Idiot!

The relationship I had with heartbreaker, which ceased to exist as of late January, drove me to learn more about men, and how to understand the seemingly alien sex.

I was so spent until last month, when I finally stopped being so angry and self-pitying. In fact, at times I used to have spiteful intentions of trying to become a femme fatale so I could play the role I imagined heartbreaker was enacting. I was so bitter that I wanted to get my revenge, and ensure I’d never endure a relationship like that again.

I realize I cried weekly rivers because my hope and my time went into the garbage. But now, I just want to understand how men think and operate, what are their primal motivations? That way, when I’m in a new romantic relationship, my decisions will naturally be rational instead of completely based upon emotion.

I thought my time had been wasted, but it wasn’t. I’m 23, and I was told that this would eventually happen to me. Imagine, if I had met heartbreaker this year… I would’ve had no idea what I was in for, and would’ve have reached this realization at the age of 26! If that was the case, I would’ve wished I could get my time back and met him earlier to get the fun, pain, and learned lessons earlier.

Now that I’ve gone through that experience and came out alive with my head on straight and my positive attitude back in tune, the wisdom I have gained is priceless. Anyone can warn you about the red flags indicative of who should be avoided, but when you experience it yourself, you evolve and that is internally valuable.  All in all, heartbreaker was an attractive guy, who came at the right point in time when I wanted to receive him – I loved him and took him as he was. However, he put me through hell, and for that, he will always be reduced to that attractive male, with deep addicitions, who used me to fill a void. On this  human-filled planet, he was right for me then to teach me something, but now there’s no need for him to be in my life anymore. Adios…

Where Did My Heartbreaker Go?

I don’t never want another girl to come and get that
Can you tell me where did he go?
My train of thought is gone and now you’re running on the same track

I’m a mess right now.
Out of order, I’m torn up I’m going down,
Won’t you hold me together I’m pouring out.
I need you, that’s how I feel.

I refuse to believe
You do
Not think of me
Like I do you
If I’m right then
Show me,
Come through,
I’ve been needing you lately.

Stressin’ got the best of me I really need to fall back

Today I was listening to this song by Keri Hilson and it made me wonder where my heartbreaker went. Almost 3 months since we’ve talked, and 4 months since we’ve met in person. I thought I was doing well.

But then I decided one night to read through my volumes of diaries (yes, I keep a diary!), to remember the days I wish I could re-live, and trace what actions on my end led to everything turning sour and complicated. I can’t believe that there are so many things I’ve forgotten that were so fresh at the time. It seems that all I can remember these days is how much I miss him, and the promising beginnings.

Funny how I forgot about the times he ditched me; instead I remember those late nights, staying up ’til 6am, talking about life and humble origins of a future together. Odd how I didn’t remember the suspicious facebook conversations and behaviours, along with him lowering the volume on his cell phone whenever a girl would call when we were together; however I remember the distance he’d go to see me, as long as it was late at night and he got something out of it. Yet, I refuse to remember how he refused to discuss the future in more concrete terms, not wanting exclusivity; but I continue to think about how cute our kids would be.

Must I repeat it’s been over 4 months since I’ve seen him. So why is it that those lyrics that I’ve bolded from Keri Hilson’s song perfectly encapsulate the language of what I am feeling now, and once every while…more frequently these days?

I will accept that heartbreaker has had a HUGE impact in my life, but why is that not enough? I don’t want to think of him anymore. I have so many wonderful things going on in my life, so I can’t understand why I still want to be with him. My life continues to fall into place, but maybe I’m missing the instability and confusion he brought to my life? The sense of hope and wonder of if he would text me back or disappear for good…like he just did. Will he come back?

In an effort to calm my mind and instead see heartbreaker as the bad guy who’s missing out, I came across a forum with someone experiencing a related situation, and I’m sure we’re feeling similar dread and disappointment within ourselves.

So I pondered…realistically, I am probably driving myself nuts because I am not the one in control of this situation. Heartbreaker told me he will never leave my life, he has unconditional love for me. And I believed him because even through the arguments and insecurities, days later, or months later he’d come back. But, my intuition is telling me he’s not going to return this time.

I seek attention because I miss his affection. I become jealous because he can chase any girl aside from me, or in addition to me. I feel stupid because I fell for it, I fell for him. I feel ungrateful because I don’t want anyone else, when so many have faith that I deserve better and will find such.

Songs Will Always Make Me Think of You

It all stems down to this: I thought it would never happen to me.

At the time, I thought you chose me out of a crowd, and for certain it was meant to be. In fact,you made all of the first moves. I was content in my universe, piecing myself back together months after a bad breakup. Although I didn’t tell you, maybe you  were able to smell my loneliness and need for attention. You preyed on me.

I’m a nice person, a trait that is very important to me. I also believe in karma. And since I hadn’t done wrong by anyone, you were my good fortune from the universe, right?

Wrong.

I have never felt so used in my life. I have never given myself up so easily, or given so much of myself to anyone. I gave my mind, my heart, my body, and my dignity over. The chemistry of our connection so unbelievable to me, so natural. You had to have felt it too, it was stronger than anything I’d ever felt. You made me feel so human, I’d put myself through misery to be with you.

This year will make 3 that I’ve been caught in your web. After biting and struggling myself free countless times, I voluntarily got myself entangled again. Next month will make the fourth week that I’ve been free, for good this time, off balance, but still free.

I haven’t seen you since December 29th, 2011. Ever since that conversation on January 26th, 2012, I have not heard from you. In your mind, I could be pregnant, miserable, or regaining my happiness in other ways and through other relationships, even though you no longer want to be connected. I realize that there are days when I will always think of youespecially when I want you beside me to physically love me with that chemistry that brought me to life, the feeling that days I swear I can’t live without.

I’ll think of you on your birthday, and wonder if you remember mine. I’ll wonder if you ever think of me, and ever feel shameful, horrible, and apologetic inside. I wonder if you’re okay, are you still dabbling in drugs to ease your pain in the way I was never successfuly able to? Did you ever finish your engineering degree?Will you ever reach out to me ever again, or is this it? Did you prey upon someone else, find true love, or do you even miss me? Were you just here to teach me a powerful lesson?

I Thought Wrong

You never said you loved me
Although I was there for you since day 1
I knew I wanted to be with you
Waited for you
Sacrificed my spirit for you
After all I did, you owe me your heart

Disappearing for 5 months
Coming back claiming depression made you lose your mind
Making me worry for you, crying for you, reaching out to you
Asking why day in day out
Thinking you died

You were never honest
Trust me hun, if I want the truth, I’m going to get it out of you
I ain’t no action figure, don’t play with my mind
Don’t twist me around like you run sh*t
Thinking and acting like you’re God

Your substance is non-existent
Painted you out as heartless
Thinking that I could turn things around with my love and make you want to try
Try to give back for all I gave you
Just because I loved you

Desperate to keep you around
Fibbing about a life in me
Liar #1, it wasn’t true
Guess what, I got you
And you disappeared once again, just like in 2011

Thank God I never got permeated with your seed
Learned a life lesson to protect myself and the potential of what could be
What was it really that you could provide me with?
And to think, I really wanted to be with you
Trust me hun, you were lucky to ever have me.