I’m Really Glad We Had Those Times

Source: http://gauraw.com
Finally feeling like a butterly emerging from its cocoon regarding heartbreaker

After not hearing from heartbreaker for over 7 months, I received an email from him.

I’m not sure of what to think, or feel.

For months I continually reached out to him to try to attain consolation that he didn’t leave my life for good. And just when I was honestly becoming okay as I prepare for my next phase of life without him, he emails me.

I’ve allowed myself delve into pass memories with a positive rememberance, but not so far deep that I feel the need to do anything to recreate them.

Big Carrot:

Early in our relationship, back when I didn’t know anything about red flags, heartbreaker had drunk called me at 2am. He asked me to spend the day with him because he wasn’t feeling well. We had been seeing each other for a few months at that time, so I was elated to be his nurse.

He left his key outside his door so I could let myself in. I came early that morning, brought him breakfast. We walked to Greektown and spent some time at the Big Carrot, looking at healthy body products and foods. Then he bought us this awesome lunch – healthy and delicious!

That night we cooked salmon, and I had my first ever glass of wine. I remember he had said that when we become established in our fields and attend fancy events, we’ll need to know the true way of drinking wine. Well, whatever he said was along those lines.

That was the day I actually started thinking I wanted to be with him forever (…yes, I was so naive still).

Nights spent awake together:

I’ve always been a night owl, and for those 3 years with heartbreaker, I’ve probably aged to 3x my actual age. A lot of sleep was lost when I was with him, or when I was up trying to reach him, or just stressing over him.

Yet, I would not trade my memories of the nights we spent awake together as that time invested was peak time for amazing conversations. We talked about everything imaginable, and really opened up to each other. That is what I miss the most about him.

There are many other memories accumulated over that time, but I feel guilty that my last post was so so long, so I`ll spare all those details. In summary, I’m really fond of those memories and glad that I experienced them. The feelings I endure when I reflect urge me to invest my time and attention in that way to others in my life who likely will not leave my side.

I do miss heartbreaker – I miss those awesome times together, and as they are so vivid now, years later, they will continue to be part of me. Although this is going to sound tragic, it’s something I’ve thought for a long time before I received an email from heartbreaker: it would’ve been easier for me to forge closure by imagining that he had passed away, and in his honour, I’d remember the best times and what he taught me.

When I met heartbreaker, I was lost in the sense that I didn’t know myself very well, nor how to protect myself, nor how I deserved to be treated. During the time he was in my life, I was desperate for his attention and his approval. He held a lot of power over me – I gave that power to him, and I didn’t even know how.

I always wanted to look nice for him, have my hair done for him, work out and be healthy for him. Everything was for him! I wanted to accomplish things so he’d be impressed with me, so I could inspire him and so he’d want to be with me and only me. Now I’m interested in improving myself for me, not him.

I’m still not sure of how to feel upon receiving heartbreaker’s email. It basically stated he went home, and he thought he told me prior to leaving (which he did not…he just disappeared). He’s sorry for the emotional panic he has put me through, and he hopes to catch up sometime. For once I may’ve regained my power when I thought I had lost it forever. For once I am genuinely interested in improving myself for me, not heartbreaker.

After close to 8 months, it’s really going to take more than a 3 paragraph, basic, undetailed email for me to step closer to the enemy – because despite our good memories, what he has done has led him to become my enemy. For the first time since this spiderweb became interwoven, I am not masochistic enough to get trapped without it being worthwhile. I’m not going to pressure myself to reply to him, as he doesn’t know the half of it.

Retiring From Fitness

Source:  http://pirate32.edublogs.org/files/2012/05/goodbye-1srtm3y.gi

This summer I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting about my teaching and fitness interests. I’ve had days where I would be incredibly inspired and grateful for the teaching opportunities I’ve had thus far with an appreciation for what I’ve begun to build. Other times I’d question if I really want to do this. As of late, my disinterest in teaching has outweighed my interest in teaching and becoming a better instructor. There are many reasons for thais, and things which have opened my eyes:

Source:  http://www.etsy.com/listing/93970453/printable-
wall-art-kick-ass-take-names-i 

Bootcamp:

I’m teaching bootcamp twice-weekly my current job. My first class was taught in February; I had my own teaching style and choices of exercises, but felt the participants weren’t enjoying it. A few weeks ago, one of my co -workers was awesome and stayed after her shift to give me lots of advice in terms of class structure ideas and exercise choices. I was rejuvenated again, and the participants commented on how much they loved the class – I was so satifisfied inside! However, after 2 weeks, my stress and anxiousness before each class returned. I then realized I was doing the class completely for them – to gain their approval, not because I love doing it.

I felt inadequate because the other staff I work with, who used to teach the classes, whom of which the participants are used to, are kinesiologists.  I feel that my even though I have multiple certifications (Group Fitness instructor, Personal Trainer, Nutrition Wellness, Zumba, Yoga), I get nervous when people ask me questions. Do I embody this knowledge? No. Is this knowledge an intrinsic part of me? No.

Source:  http://jennthrift.blogspot.ca/2012/05/insanity.html 

Insanity:

In May, a few co-workers kept discussing the benefits of the Insanity program. I was so caught up in the hype that I purchased it. After attempting 4 times to get through the first week, I gave up. Even though I was inspired from all of the before pictures I took and the possibilities of who I’d emerge as in 60 days, I still gave up.

The program was tough, and painful, so I justified my quitting by rationalizing the program as being too intense, as I enjoy exercise that isn’t torturous.If I really want to lose weight and tone up, I’ll do it in a way I enjoy even if it takes longer than 60 days. (It also didn’t hurt that a personal trainer I look up to mentioned that it’s not a program for the general public, and he almost threw up while progressing through the program).

Yet, my brother started Insanity after I had given up, and he finished his last day yesterday! There were times he would be really exhausted, but after an hour of making excuses, would trooper on through. Even though I worried that he wasn’t taking his exhaustion seriously enough, I was so proud of him. My brother caused me to reflect upon myself to ask why did I spend all of that money and not follow through?

Source:  http://www.dogcentral.info/yoga-dogs/

Yoga:

As of this post, I’ve been in email contact with YMCA to find out the process of teaching at their facilities. I would need to complete 6 weeks of training to learn about the YMCA’s philosophy, a police reference check, and an interview to possibly substitute. Have been trying begin this process, but doing so legitimately overlaps with my shifts at work (and saving for school is my #1 priority at the moment). With that, my motivation is wearing…I don’t even know if I want to complete those 8 hours anymore – or at least during what is remaining of this summer.

Originally, this summer would’ve been the best time, but I am still not ready. I’m kind of laughing at myself because I haven’t even finished reading the instructor’s manual, nor have I watched the DVD received at the training.

Fitness goals:

Although I didn’t post them here, in June I had a goal of losing 10 lbs by the last week of August (giving myself room to do it in a healthy way, and leaving room to still accomplish my goal if I slipped up). My main motivator was a nutritionist I’ve had since January – she is awesome, passionate, and lives what she teaches. I had 10 weekly sessions with her, and had more downs than ups. I continually made excuses for falling off the wagon – school was stressful, work was stressful, my life was stressful. The stress was responsible for my poor meal planning, poor sleeping schedule. Between January and April, even though I was exercising, I gained weight (and trust me, it was not muscle).

I saved my last session with her for August, as I want to prove to her that I do have willpower and discipline – I want her to be proud of me. Yet, between  May and August, I can only recall 4 steady weeks of consistent workouts and healthy eating. I shall prepare to get scrutinized at my appointment this week…

A sign?

The final situation which propelled me in my decision to take a hiatus from teaching is that the facility I have taught at since 2010 posted the fall schedule without asking about my availability. I substituted a few times during the summer, and each time my supervisor mentioned her excitement for me to return in the fall. I also expressed, each time, that I really do enjoy teaching my regularly scheduled class. Yet, without taking a moment to ask me, my supervisor assumed I would like to stay as a substitute instructor due to the program I will be starting in September.

I thought I was upset because it was rude to assume (you don’t want to make an ass out of u and me!), and not clear up the assumption by sending an email, like was sent to all of the other instructors. But maybe the honest reason I was upset was because it felt like even though I enjoyed teaching my class, she was just playing along and knew my real intentions. It’s a blessing in disguise and I feel lighter when I think of the situation from that angle.

Consolation from other fitness instructors:

The fitness instructors at my gym are awesome because they are so personable. I’ve spoken to several of them and asked them about how they knew they wanted to pursue a fitness careers. They teach multiple classes a day, and left other careers such as nursing and real estate. Some even use this as a side job and teach a couple classes a week (which was my original intention when I became an instructor).

I found (and more times than I’d like to admit, find) classes to be stressful. Before every class I teach, I get nervous, and really only wanted validation from participants. I don’t derive much self-pleasure from teaching – I might be desperate for compliments.

This is not a career for me. Looking back I wish I looked more into the time and financial commitments of being an instructor. Before becoming certified, I didn’t educate myself about the annual fees or continuing education requirements – I just thought to myself, I’m passionate about fitness and want to help others be the same. Never did I think I’d feel threatened in my classes, or feel pressured to look a certain way, or to teach a certain way. It’s gotten to the point where my passion for my own fitness is gone because I’m too worried about impressing everyone else.

While reflecting about two instructors who retired/stopped practicing real estate and nursing, I’ve chosen to stop practicing my fitness certifications for my own personal reasons. I plan to keep my certifications current by paying the membership fee and fulfilling my continuing education credits – and who knows, I may want to return to teaching later, or a dream opportunity may come up in the future.

For now, with the pressure to become a better fitness instructor turned off, I’d like to rediscover my passion for my personal fitness by focusing on myself.

Give Me My Money

Earning and saving money have always been interesting processes to me. When I was 15, I started my first paper route, as my sister from another mister got me a job with delivering the Sunday Sun around my neighbourhood. I have been fortunate to be working ever since, albeit different jobs, different roles and responsibilities.



Source: http://www.punny.org/money/punny-poll-31
-worried-about-college-tuition/

When I decided I wanted to further my career and education, I first learned that ever so expensive price of tuition and incidental fees (which just keep increasing…). That’s when I was introduced to OSAP, and savings and investment options. Luckily my winter and summer before university, I earned enough as a cashier at Wal-Mart to pay for my first year’s tuition on my own, so was advised to put the usused OSAP funds into a TFSA until I needed them.

I thought TFSA’s were amazing! However, I didn’t read the fine-print. After withdrawing from my TFSA multiple times, I had forgotten that the space in that savings account was no longer available to me until the next year, after which my contribution room would increase by $5000, in addition to the space taken up from my withdrawals.

Long story short, that tax year I had to pay a hefty tax fee just shy of $500, because I overcontributed. I was infuriated…come on, I’m a student, and shouldn’t the bank have emphasized these things to me when I opened my account, or even when I’d come in to make cash withdrawals? These were the questions I asked the Canadian Revenue Agency (CRA), and submitted a formal letter stating these arguments. But the response I received – sorry, but no.

Needless to say, I was quite upset – I was mad at the government for not forgiving my ignorance, my bank for not looking out for me, and myself for relying so much on these institutions. I thought the TFSA was too good to be true – but it’s actually not, if you follow the rules.



Source: http://myluxmagazine.wordpress.com/tag/saving-money/

After that experience, I’ve become more skeptical about where my money is going, especially during the tax season. Curiosity fuels education, and throughout my search I came across an amazing resource – the CRA’s website! The website on its own has a plethora of information, I really wish I had accessed it before! The link that is attached brings you to a free course where you can learn about taxes – awesome! I took the course, which includes 4  modules touching upon the topics of why we need to submit income taxes, consequences of not doing so, history of taxes, and of course, how to submit your taxes on your own along with support along the way. To add, throughout the module there are direct links for other sections of their website that may be of interest to you.

That being said, I plan to submit my taxes by NETfile for the 2012 tax year – before April 30th of course! I’m a DIYer at heart, and now that I have some understanding of the process, would much rather do it myself. I’m also trying to convince my parents to let me do theirs (for free!) so that they can save their money, and hopefully become inspired to do it themselves in 2013.

As I said before, money has always been interesting to me. If I wasn’t more interested in health, and intimidated by the corporate world, I may’ve primarily studied business. However, last year I learned about tax school that’s offered through H&R block every fall. I was ready to sign up last year, but with my last year of university, and a few part-time jobs, my plate was full. If I wasn’t starting professional studies this fall, I would’ve signed up in a heart beat! Even if I’m not able to take the course anytime soon, I do plan to look more into volunteer opportunities for those who aren’t able to prepare their income tax and benefit returns on their own, as this is something that is really interesting!

Fool Me Once-Shame on You; Fool Me Twice-I’m An Idiot!

The relationship I had with heartbreaker, which ceased to exist as of late January, drove me to learn more about men, and how to understand the seemingly alien sex.

I was so spent until last month, when I finally stopped being so angry and self-pitying. In fact, at times I used to have spiteful intentions of trying to become a femme fatale so I could play the role I imagined heartbreaker was enacting. I was so bitter that I wanted to get my revenge, and ensure I’d never endure a relationship like that again.

I realize I cried weekly rivers because my hope and my time went into the garbage. But now, I just want to understand how men think and operate, what are their primal motivations? That way, when I’m in a new romantic relationship, my decisions will naturally be rational instead of completely based upon emotion.

I thought my time had been wasted, but it wasn’t. I’m 23, and I was told that this would eventually happen to me. Imagine, if I had met heartbreaker this year… I would’ve had no idea what I was in for, and would’ve have reached this realization at the age of 26! If that was the case, I would’ve wished I could get my time back and met him earlier to get the fun, pain, and learned lessons earlier.

Now that I’ve gone through that experience and came out alive with my head on straight and my positive attitude back in tune, the wisdom I have gained is priceless. Anyone can warn you about the red flags indicative of who should be avoided, but when you experience it yourself, you evolve and that is internally valuable.  All in all, heartbreaker was an attractive guy, who came at the right point in time when I wanted to receive him – I loved him and took him as he was. However, he put me through hell, and for that, he will always be reduced to that attractive male, with deep addicitions, who used me to fill a void. On this  human-filled planet, he was right for me then to teach me something, but now there’s no need for him to be in my life anymore. Adios…

Step Two

With everything in life, we have to take the first step,  mentally and actively. Before that first step, we may experience excitement, hesitation, and/or anxiety. These feelings may intensify, or change after we’ve allowed our heels to roll to the balls of our feet. With every step, we evaluate how we felt with the steps we took prior, and consider which directions our next steps will lead if we move ahead, and at what pace we feel comfortable.

                                             Source: http://justindupre.com/persistence-with-facebook/

Last week I took my second step within my yoga teaching journey. Back in May, I took my first step by participating in the class portion of my level one yoga certification, and decided to chill for a bit, as I wasn’t sure that I was interested in pursuing the teaching journey any further. However, upon stewing for a bit this summer, coupled with an encounter with an awesome yogi, I’ve acknowledged my deep yearning to be an influential, multi-dimensional instructor. I also have to accept that will be a challenging journey, that will test my commitment, willingness to learn and to be persistent.

In order to complete my level one YogaFit certification, I must complete 8 hours of voluntary teaching to a group of individuals who otherwise would be unlikely to experience the benefits yoga can provide. After feeling overwhelmed from the training, I perceived my requirement as a positive challenge along my journey. As I rationally thought about what is stressing me out, I’ve decided to take a systematic approach towards addressing my roadblock:

My fear of teaching –> not completing certification = wasted money, wasted time, and future regret

The main components of my fear = participants not liking my teaching style, and that I will be viewed as a moronic instructor

To address my fear of participants not valuing my teaching style, I have adopted a new attitude:

  • I will aim to always be professional, respectful, positive, have a sense of humour and make efforts in life to practice my teachings
  • I’m not aiming to change myself to fit a perfect “teacher mould” as participants have different preferences, which may’ve been stemmed from instructors seen on TV, online, or from participating in other classes they really enjoyed. I hope to offer something positive in addition to that.

To address my fear that I will seem I’m lacking in knowledge, I have accepted that I am not flawless, nor will I ever be perfect:

  • I plan to be as prepared as possible by practicing and knowing the routines I make, and consider modifications along with possible questions.  Also, I’m going to be honest with my particpants from the beginning to inform them that I am a student as well, and welcome any questions as finding the answers will also help me to grow as an instructor.

In addition to talking my talk, I took action and walked by contacting an agency that would host me, and starting to devote time towards learning the yoga poses. To add, one of the perks of my current part time job is free access to fitness classes (so awesome!). I’ve met a yoga instructor who embodies yoga, and plan to attend a scheduled class that I can commit to for 6 weeks.

I currently feel that the second step is harder than the first, because it means you’ve committed yourself to keep pushing through ….like at the end of run, you’ve got to push yourself!

Jill of All Trades; Master of None

Yesterday and the day prior I attended the first annual Holistic Mental Health Conference: Pathways to Empowerment, which was hosted by my future school, CCNM. I originally signed up because I figured it would get me excited for beginning studies in September, and I was geniunely interested in many of the workshops. However, I didn’t imagine how inspired I would leave!

We are at a state and time in our society where the field of Naturopathic medicine and holistic health is blooming and becoming more accepted. At this conference, the focus was on finding relief for mental health issues, which was very relatable to my undergrad majors, Health Studies and Psychology. I thought that a lot of the information would be comprised of things I’ve heard and learned before, but I was quite impressed that the information was delivered in such a digestible and practical manner.

I aim to speak about the workshops I specifically attended in a future post, but overall, my inspiration flame has been reignited, and self-reflection is taking place once again.

In this blog I never felt the need to address my educational background because I didn’t, and don’t want readers to get the vibe that I’m boosting myself, especially since there are so few articles to truly understand my electronic voice. Yet, I’ve always been open to seeing what direction(s) this blog directs itself, and naturally as of now, it’s a place for me to reflect upon my experiences. I also hope that it will become a place where people feel they can relate, and are comfortable providing their respectable input, as the Internet is a way for us to interact on a worldwide scale!

However, I digress. Along with emerging from the conference feeling empowered and excited about all the ways I will be able to enforce positive change in lacking areas, along with contribute to ongoing positive efforts, I also felt kind of useless. You see, beginning in 2009, I have begun to accumulate muliple fitness certifications as I’m certified in the following ways: fitness instructor, personal trainer, nutritional wellness specialist, zumba instructor, and yoga instructor.

For those who have an appreciation of linguistics, accumulated is not a good word to describe becoming more educated since it lacks the feeling of passion. Yet, before and immediately after achieving each certification, I was incredibly inspired to learn more about becoming great in my role, and about how to integrate all of the knowledge gained from other certifications to provide my clients and participants with a phenomenal experience.

Regarding my numerous certifications, yesterday and for a long time before, I felt like I wasted my money (and should have instead put it towards paying down my students loans). And I feel that way because I’m not tapping into my potential…I’m too scared that people will have incredibly high expectations of me, and that ill first impressions will never change, but instead will diffuse to others. In an effort to gain some more practical experience to help me grow and gain confidence in my abilities as a personal trainer, I’ve done a few personal training shadowing sessions at different gyms. Instead, I felt overwhelmed. But, after this conference, I started thinking in a different way.

In particular, I attended a session about Yoga and Trauma, facilitated by Farah Jindhani and Guru Fatha Singh Khalsa. In the past I read about the calming effects of yoga, and was so uplifted by what I read that I decided to complete the classroom portion of a level 1 training with Yogafit Canada this past May. Yet, from then and now, I haven’t looked through the book to teach myself the poses, nor have I attended a yoga class at my gym, or made any efforts to voluntarily teach 8 hours of yoga to complete my certification. I’ve had intentions to do all of the above, but I haven’t followed through because I’m de-motivated, scared that I’m going to do a horrible job, and am just starting to see myself as a lazy, excuse-making blob.

As I delve into my reflective process, I’m remembering that working hard to obtain a certification is only the beginning, then comes the real work of staying up-to-date on the everchanging information, and practicing what you preach to your clients – so that you are both an internal and external representation. Having these certifications is a priviledge and a source of future potential, but it doesn’t guarantee that I will genuinely be respected. For example, I’ve been teaching fitness classes since 2010, but I still get nervous that participants won’t enjoy my classes. In fact, my confidence shattered more upon hearing a changeroom conversation referring to me, stating that my class was too easy, and that the participant is more fit than I am, and would teach a better class without even being certified. But as the saying goes, let your haters be your motivators. So, in conjuction withmy internal motivation, I will do just that. I will be posting my goals and plan of action on this blog, to make it official, and hopefully be connected with others who can relate, either directly in indirectly.

Learning to swim

I started swimming lessons a month and a half ago, and there were several driving factors which led me to jump from the diving board (well actually, I’m still in the shallow end, but that was meant to be a witty metaphor).

1. I’m graduating from university…I’ve gotta do something extravagant!
2. I’m going to be 23 in a few days. My original deadline to learn to swim was 5 years ago…I’m quite overdue.
3. Memories of previous family reunions where all of my family members except me could swim. I noticed how embarrassed my dad was of my intense fear and unwillingness to be pushed.
4. My brother is a source of inspiration because he taught himself to swim a few years ago, and recently went into the deep end without the intense psychological fear that I, the worry-wart sibling, entertain.
5. Swimming is excellent for your joints – I want to benefit from that.
6. When getting over a failed relationship, focusing on self-improvement will build your confidence so you don’t feel the need to impress others since you’re self-fulfilled. “As soon as you and somebody break up, kill that person they remember and evolve” (JaystarXXVII)
7. “But I don’t know how to swim” is such a useless excuse to me now, nobody can learn for me, it’s all on me. So let’s do this!

During my first lesson, it was clear that my fear was and continues to be psychological. Instinctively our bodies know how to swim; even babies born into water know how to swim. In fact, when justifying my fear to the lifeguards, they admitted that it’s easier to teach young-uns how to swim because their minds aren’t overwhelmed with fear, young-uns are fearless!

The whole 55 minutes of that lesson was spent with me trying to get my head under the water, and overriding that fear of water entering my ears, nose, and body. I feel overwhelmed in the water because there’s so much of it…I just don’t know how to act. I feel claustrophobic, so powerless, and I don’t trust myself to stay in control.

Then I became fascinated with why I’m so scared and how to overcome this. Whenever I go to the pool to “practice” (ie. repeatedly dunk my head under water while alternating holding my breath and blowing bubbles, in addition to my current stage of trying to hold a float without grabbing for the wall), I wish I could swim like the lane swimmers, swimming for fitness or leisure. I wish I could be comfortable and JUST SWIM! So instead of becoming discouraged, I decided to work on my personal obstacle – my mind.

In addition to ransacking the amazing google database and requesting every book at my local library regarding the physics of swimming and learning how to swim, I came across an e-book devoted to addressing the universal fears of learning to swim: “Conquer Your Fear of Water: An Innovative Self-Discovery Course in Swimming (1).

I was so desperate that I would purchase any video or book promising that it’s approach would teach me to swim, guaranteed. I really appreciate Melon Dash’s outlook regarding swimming, and the testimonials won me over. I’m only 1/3 through the book, and still don’t know how to swim yet, but she addresses some important concerns:

  • in order to learn to swim, you need to be in tune with yourself, and feel in control. Swimming’s supposed to be fun – otherwise, why would you want to learn? This is also in line with what my swimming instructors are constantly telling me: you need to relax in the water because the moment you panic, your body will become tense, you will begin to sink, and your lung capacity will shrink as you’ll be taking shallow breaths
  • go at your own pace. I chose to enroll in group lessons, and since I’m sharing the class time and the instructors with a group of individuals, I’m not receiving my ideal amount of attention. I knew that would be the case upon signing up, and I also knew that the classroom skill levels would differ. I used to feel pressured to advance faster than I was since I was, and still am the most novice in the group. But, if I continually let that bother me, I wouldn’t progress at all. So to compensate, I try to go to the pool on non-lesson days to “practice,” allowing time and exposure to help me become comfortable.

So far this is what I have learned, but I have no doubt that I will continue to learn more as I read this book, and complete the second half of my lessons. I may not master swimming after my first set of lessons (11 weeks), but I will continue to go to the pool, become more comfortable, and progress naturally based on following book lessons. As with life, we learn one step at a time – missing steps will only lead to a gap later that’s harder to overcome. Right now I’m building my foundation, and I don’t care if it takes me months to learn how to swim, I will eventually make it!

New Outlook on Romantic Relationships

Relationships are dynamic, and I keep learning this.

In my head I used to think that as long as I meet and stick with a core group of individuals, in a static fashion, everything would be smooth sailing. In that sense I figured that once someone is part of my core group, they will always be part of my core group, and the magnitude of my feelings towards them wouldn’t change (and if they did, it would obviously be positive because there’s no such thing as beef in my core group).

However, now I understand why I’ve been told that timing is a huge factor in relationships and all of life. I think back to my first few years in university and realize how my relationships have transformed: Remembering #1 Brazilian and how I was so certain that the universe was telling us to get together; connecting with potential hubby and during those moments being absolutely sure that in the short time we dated (though it felt like much longer), I could see myself with him forever; also not forgetting heartbreaker and our undeniable chemistry, thinking he was my redeemer after what felt like hell.

Now I no longer believe in the concept of having one soulmate, or “the one”. In high school people kept telling me that in university, my single days would end because of the “type” of person I am – intelligent, studious, kindhearted. Many even suggested that I’ll find my future husband by the time I graduate (scary!)! They were correct on the former as  I was lucky to have had experienced love at certain points. But during those relationships, and after they ended, my mentality shifted.

In regards to timing, in retrospect these guys entered my life at optimal times because I feel I have, for the most part, “bounced back,” and have reached a level of receptivity where I can really look at all aspects of my relationships in a different way as opposed to being resentful and blameful.

A situation recently happened in my life which has inspired me to write this. I re-connected with a good friend of mine from at least a decade ago, we will refer to him as manly beast. A bit of our history is that I used to annoy him when we were younger, as I had a MASSIVE crush on him and was persistent in obtaining his attention – trying to get him to open up and talk to me in his own way (ie. making fun of me). Then we went to different high schools, lost touch, but re-connected through msn (does anyone still use that? I sure don’t anymore). Manly beast was actually my first kiss, but I don’t know how we lost touch again. Then, we re-connected through facebook, had a few on/off conversations, and then saw each other again this year. It was nice to be in his company again, I didn’t feel like that much time had passed.

Anyways, that got me thinking about how people enter our lives, leave our lives, and re-enter our lives. We never completely know what’s in store. So what I took from this experience is that each relationship is different, yet resemble one another in certain elements. When dating potential hubby, I felt strongly for the time being, then that faded, especially after heartbreaker entered my life. The feelings for heartbreaker still linger, but they are fading, and seeing manly beast definitely fast-forwarded the healing time on that one! (The last time I had seen manly beast was about 6-7 years ago, but after spending 10 minutes with him, the feelings of the massive crush returned quickly, I couldn’t even stop smiling!)

All of my relationships are similar in that I’ve had strong feelings for each of these individuals, the timing just differed, along with the magnitude of attraction. This is what has caused me to believe that having one soulmate is unrealistic and close-minded, and other factors, such as time, play a major role in the potential of what will happen next.

Where Did My Heartbreaker Go?

I don’t never want another girl to come and get that
Can you tell me where did he go?
My train of thought is gone and now you’re running on the same track

I’m a mess right now.
Out of order, I’m torn up I’m going down,
Won’t you hold me together I’m pouring out.
I need you, that’s how I feel.

I refuse to believe
You do
Not think of me
Like I do you
If I’m right then
Show me,
Come through,
I’ve been needing you lately.

Stressin’ got the best of me I really need to fall back

Today I was listening to this song by Keri Hilson and it made me wonder where my heartbreaker went. Almost 3 months since we’ve talked, and 4 months since we’ve met in person. I thought I was doing well.

But then I decided one night to read through my volumes of diaries (yes, I keep a diary!), to remember the days I wish I could re-live, and trace what actions on my end led to everything turning sour and complicated. I can’t believe that there are so many things I’ve forgotten that were so fresh at the time. It seems that all I can remember these days is how much I miss him, and the promising beginnings.

Funny how I forgot about the times he ditched me; instead I remember those late nights, staying up ’til 6am, talking about life and humble origins of a future together. Odd how I didn’t remember the suspicious facebook conversations and behaviours, along with him lowering the volume on his cell phone whenever a girl would call when we were together; however I remember the distance he’d go to see me, as long as it was late at night and he got something out of it. Yet, I refuse to remember how he refused to discuss the future in more concrete terms, not wanting exclusivity; but I continue to think about how cute our kids would be.

Must I repeat it’s been over 4 months since I’ve seen him. So why is it that those lyrics that I’ve bolded from Keri Hilson’s song perfectly encapsulate the language of what I am feeling now, and once every while…more frequently these days?

I will accept that heartbreaker has had a HUGE impact in my life, but why is that not enough? I don’t want to think of him anymore. I have so many wonderful things going on in my life, so I can’t understand why I still want to be with him. My life continues to fall into place, but maybe I’m missing the instability and confusion he brought to my life? The sense of hope and wonder of if he would text me back or disappear for good…like he just did. Will he come back?

In an effort to calm my mind and instead see heartbreaker as the bad guy who’s missing out, I came across a forum with someone experiencing a related situation, and I’m sure we’re feeling similar dread and disappointment within ourselves.

So I pondered…realistically, I am probably driving myself nuts because I am not the one in control of this situation. Heartbreaker told me he will never leave my life, he has unconditional love for me. And I believed him because even through the arguments and insecurities, days later, or months later he’d come back. But, my intuition is telling me he’s not going to return this time.

I seek attention because I miss his affection. I become jealous because he can chase any girl aside from me, or in addition to me. I feel stupid because I fell for it, I fell for him. I feel ungrateful because I don’t want anyone else, when so many have faith that I deserve better and will find such.

Songs Will Always Make Me Think of You

It all stems down to this: I thought it would never happen to me.

At the time, I thought you chose me out of a crowd, and for certain it was meant to be. In fact,you made all of the first moves. I was content in my universe, piecing myself back together months after a bad breakup. Although I didn’t tell you, maybe you  were able to smell my loneliness and need for attention. You preyed on me.

I’m a nice person, a trait that is very important to me. I also believe in karma. And since I hadn’t done wrong by anyone, you were my good fortune from the universe, right?

Wrong.

I have never felt so used in my life. I have never given myself up so easily, or given so much of myself to anyone. I gave my mind, my heart, my body, and my dignity over. The chemistry of our connection so unbelievable to me, so natural. You had to have felt it too, it was stronger than anything I’d ever felt. You made me feel so human, I’d put myself through misery to be with you.

This year will make 3 that I’ve been caught in your web. After biting and struggling myself free countless times, I voluntarily got myself entangled again. Next month will make the fourth week that I’ve been free, for good this time, off balance, but still free.

I haven’t seen you since December 29th, 2011. Ever since that conversation on January 26th, 2012, I have not heard from you. In your mind, I could be pregnant, miserable, or regaining my happiness in other ways and through other relationships, even though you no longer want to be connected. I realize that there are days when I will always think of youespecially when I want you beside me to physically love me with that chemistry that brought me to life, the feeling that days I swear I can’t live without.

I’ll think of you on your birthday, and wonder if you remember mine. I’ll wonder if you ever think of me, and ever feel shameful, horrible, and apologetic inside. I wonder if you’re okay, are you still dabbling in drugs to ease your pain in the way I was never successfuly able to? Did you ever finish your engineering degree?Will you ever reach out to me ever again, or is this it? Did you prey upon someone else, find true love, or do you even miss me? Were you just here to teach me a powerful lesson?