Leap of Faith?

That's right!

That’s right!

As of now I should be studying for my first of two licensing exams (ie. NPLEX I). However, I’m incredibly distracted.

And guess what it’s over…a fellow…

Sometimes people just enter your life when you didn’t expect them to because you were looking in another direction.

I’ve been giving the online dating scene a try and have since decided to take a break, but immediately before making that decision, Mr.Cool and Confident reached out to me.

Part of why I’ve chosen to put online dating to rest, at least for now, is because all of the fellows I had interacted with were at least 1 of the below:

  • seem to vanish without a trace
  • can be irresponsive although their profiles are welcoming
  • may come on way too strong
  • choose to not follow through
  • may be sketchy in terms of not being completely truthful
  • are just pursuing a hook up

It reached the point where I didn’t take anyone seriously…why waste time when you already know what the options are going to lead to?

Mr.Cool and Confident surprised me as he was super engaging, funny, and comfortable with himself. Upon meeting in person, I knew I liked him instantly. He’s in a helping profession and we even studied the same program in undergrad. My protective shield went off though because I figured it was too good to be true, and thought I wouldn’t hear from him again. To my surprise, we’ve still been in touch.

May 19th was when my “on” switch was once again ignited. Back and forth messages everyday, being shy and not knowing what to say next, excitedly awaiting the next reply, conversations flowing.

What attracted me most, moreso than his cool and confident vibes was his helpful nature. You got a problem? Here’s a solution. He became someone I looked up to.

Most memorable was when I went on a trip to the Bahamas for a few days. Mr. Cool and Confident stayed up with me the entire night right up until my flight at about 6:15 am. At that point we’d been in contact less than a month, but I was already committed to him in my mind.

Fast-forward to now, it’s become kind of confusing and the connection between us is dying. In part due to distance, working schedules, and school. I’ve had about 3 moments where I questioned the direction of the relationship, made myself way too vulnerable, was too honest, and may’ve scared him away a bit. The communication has dwindled, and I feel like I want to just cut my losses and go so I don’t keep doubting, holding on, and involuntarily investing my emotions.

August may open up more time for us, but right now it feels like forever away. The way I see it is if you really feel connected with someone, you’ll want to nurture the buds and make time. I could be more understanding, but instead my past memories of heartbreaker invade my ability to think rationally…no more of that, please. Nobody wants to be a fool, and nobody wants to wait for something that’s never going to arrive.

So, I’m distracted because I’m scared to stay, what if I’m being led on (again) because they’re too cowardly to be honest and break it off? What a waste of time and emotion that would be. On the other hand, what if that connection is genuine and has the potential to flourish when we both have time to spend together and pick up where we left off?

It's a scary feeling to not be able to decide how to feel Source: http://drakequote.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/She-doesnt-ever-worry-if-she-wants-it-shell-get-it-on-her-own.-She-knows-theres-more-to-life-and-shes-scared-of-ending-up-alone..jpg

It can be scary to not be able to navigate how to feel

Times like this, I wish I could go into robot mode and shut off the emotions and just be focused on what matters most right now…NPLEX I. Let’s give it a try, onto the endocrine system…